Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
