These Phrases shared by My Dad That Rescued Us as a New Parent
"I think I was simply in survival mode for a year."
Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.
However the truth rapidly proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.
Life-threatening health problems during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into becoming her chief support in addition to looking after their infant son Leo.
"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.
After 11 months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.
The straightforward words "You aren't in a healthy space. You need support. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and start recovering.
His story is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now better used to discussing the stress on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges dads encounter.
Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance
Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a larger inability to talk among men, who still hold onto negative ideas of manhood.
Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."
"It's not a display of being weak to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.
Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're having a hard time.
They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental health is vitally important to the unit.
Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a respite - spending a few days overseas, separate from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.
He understood he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a new baby.
When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.
Self-parenting
That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.
He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.
Ryan thinks these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and make sense of his parenting choices.
The notion of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four.
As a child Stephen did not have reliable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound emotional pain caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their bond.
Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to alter how he felt, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.
"You find your way to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."
Strategies for Managing as a New Dad
- Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
- Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
- Look after the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, sleep, all are important in how your mind is coping.
- Spend time with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
- Know that requesting help is not failure - prioritising you is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.
When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.
Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead provide the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.
When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.
Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they faced their issues, altered how they talk, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their kids.
"I'm better… processing things and managing things," explains Stephen.
"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, on occasion I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding as much as you are on this path."
